Tuesday, February 17, 2004

There's a blog I've got blogrolled called Help Me Bubby where some folks have set up their grandmother to give advice to other folks. For some reason I like advice columns, even when the advice they give out is just plain wrong. Like Bubby's. I'm betting she's a wonderful grandmother, and the advice she gives probably makes people feel better, but it's not really the best advice in my opinion, which is the opinion that counts here in my blog. So just for fun, I'm going to answer a couple of Bubby's latest queries with my own advice.

Dear Bubby,
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of one and a half years. I really thought that he was THE ONE. After suffering through several months of “things not working out,” however, I realized that it was time to cut my ties. I am almost 24 years old now and I know I am still young. Nevertheless, I feel so hopeless about ever finding the right man for me. I just want someone who understands me and my complexities (every woman has them). I need some advice on how to meet someone.
Sincerely, Timidly Looking

Dear Timidly Looking,
There are many fish in the sea and I am sure another one will swim your way. Find someone worthy of you. Never sell yourself short or you will be the loser. Join some organization, spend time in the adult library. You could take some adult classes. I know several girls who met nice young men that way.

Good Luck. ♥, BUBBY

Hey TL,

You are never, ever, ever going to find a man who understands your "complexities." Nobody really ever understands anyone else's "complexities," they just either learn to deal with them enough to stick around for a while, or they don't. But here's a tip for finding someone willing to put up with your "complexities" for a while (or longer): get over yourself just a little bit. I mean, if you're sitting around fixated on your own complexities all the time, guys are likely to see you as yet another person wallowing in a bunch of tiresome complexities (that probably aren't really so complex to begin with, but everyone seems to feel that "complexities" make them more interesting). You can go to the library and take all the adult classes you want, but nothing scares away all the fish in the sea like a self-absorbed "complex" person. Unless she's what guys call "totally hot," in which case some poor schmoe will fall for you hook, line and sinker and put up with all your crap for the rest of his miserable life.

Dear Bubby,
I've been going out with my girlfriend for over a year now, and when any important holiday comes around, I feel really lost and confused. I never really know exactly what to buy her to make her really happy.

It's not like I don't listen. I really do. But she doesn't exactly say, "I want _____ for Valentine's Day" or something!

What should I do? Casually ask her about these things, or what?
Confused Shopper

Dear Confused Shopper,
If you really want to buy your girlfriend a gift there are a million things you can get her. Now that Valentines day is here, how about a dozen red roses and a box of good chocolates? If you are very close to her there is always lingerie - and a nice gold chain with a charm - a heart is just beautiful. This is only the beginning. If she likes to read, get her a copy of one of the books on the best list - check the N Y Times and go to Barnes and Nobles. Then there are beautiful bags (pocketbooks). Just go and buy! And then you'll get her reaction -- don't just talk about it or dream about it. My husband bought me all sorts of gifts without asking me WHAT.

Good pickings ♥, BUBBY

Hey CS,

Material goods cannot give happiness, ya dope. And roses, chocolates, lingerie and jewelry are just so done to death for Valentine's Day--they would signal a total lack of imagination on your part. And what kind of imagination does it take for one person to get another a Valentine's Day gift anyway? All it means is that you can follow orders and do what your television says. Baaaaa! Sheep!

But if you want to get her a gift (and who doesn't like a small gift now and then?) get her something from the completely, astoundingly awsome Soul Jazz Records catalog. If she doesn't like it then she has no taste and you should dump her.

Got a question for A Complete Bunch of Pants? Look around, there's an e-mail address on this page somewhere--I remember putting it there once.

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