Monday, August 29, 2005

Open letter to the guy who just called me ...

Dear you,

I realize that you are not an "office guy." You work out "in the field" with salt-of-the-earth people who work hard to bring us our milk and honey. You help them do that more efficiently, and that is good. But I urge you to get over your fear of this confusing newfangled thing called "voice mail."

Sometimes we office people are actually allowed to vacate out seats--a field guy like you may be able to appreciate that we occasionally look forward to it. My boss, being a very busy woman who must interact and assist people throughout our building, often must vacate her seat for hours at a time. That means, of course, that she's not there to answer her phone. Many years ago someone recognized that people like her could use a simple and efficient means of collecting messages from people like you, who don't have time to keep calling back in hopes of finding a person like her back at her desk. The resulting modern voice mail is system is so simple that it requires little input from someone like you beyond speaking when the little voice tells you to. It is not an evil spirit. It will not steal your soul.

Your fear of modern electronic communications systems affects me directly because you seem to believe the most efficient means of contacting my boss when she is unavailable is to immediately call me. Although we do occasionally have lunch together, I do not have a psychic connection with my boss. I don't know where she is, when she will be back or what answer she would most likely give to your question. And despite your distrust of higfalutin' contraptions like voice mail, I assure you it's a far more effective and dependable way of reaching my boss than asking me to tell her to call you. You see, not being a secretary, I don't think like a secretary. When someone calls or stops by my office looking for someone else, the first response to pop into my head is "How the fuck should I know where so-and-so is?" When they say "Well, can you tell her that such-and-such is looking for her?" my mouth says "sure" but my brain says "whatever" and goes back to what it was doing before. If I remember, I'll pass on the message. I usually don't remember. It's not because I'm stupid, I just don't give a fuck.

In summary: please use the damn voice mail and leave me alone, you dumb fart.

Thanks and have a pleasant day!

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