Thursday, June 15, 2006

Well, at least the floor is clean now

(Warning: I'm really looking forward to the opportunity to swear like a sailor in the following diatribe.)

My mother is coming to visit this weekend, so I've been tidying up a bit and it has filled me with hate. I hate:
  • Phone books. Nobody ever asked me if I want any of these enormous wastes of tree life. Well, OK, maybe I could use one, just in case the internet is down and I need to find a number. But why do I need three a year? I don't. Nobody does. I think phone books should be opt-in. As it is, I don't even know if they are opt-out. Are they? And then what do you do with all the old phone books from previous years? Let them pile into a three-foot high stack? Because it only takes a couple of years before they stack that high. Theoretically we're told to recycle them, but in order to do so you have to load them into your car and drive them to some shopping center where you find that the bin is stuffed to overflowing and you have to put them on the ground where you know they're going to get rained on and soggy and then probably just end up in the landfill anyway. (Oh yeah, you could bike them over to the bin if some crackhead hadn't stolen your bike out of your shed a while back and you never got a new one because you figured the crackheads would just steal that one, too). So anyway, tonight I threw about six phone books into the trash cart. Yeah, that's what I said, I tossed them into the fucking trash cart. If somebody wants to come and recycle them they're welcome to dig them out. It's the bright orange house--you can't miss it.

  • Plastic grocery bags. I have a hard time throwing them away unless they have dog shit in them. But my dogs just don't shit nearly that much. I should just carry them to the store every time and reuse them ... but who remembers stuff like that when they're going to the store? I'm lucky if I remember the shopping list. But if by law they had to charge me 5 cents for every bag, you bet your ass I'd start remembering. Yes, goddammit, I want a fucking nanny state to make me reuse my grocery bags. It would make me feel much better about having so goddamned many stashed away in every cranny of the kitchen.

  • My vaccuum cleaner. I think it was made specifically to punish whoever decided they could get away with buying the cheapest vaccuum in the store. It's noisy, completely clumsy and unwieldy, it's exhausting to push around and it's not even very good at what it's supposed to do. It's a godawful piece of shit. I've hated it from the moment Mr. Pants brought it home ... damn it's been six years already. Six fucking years of that heinous machine ... and of course it still works as well as ever, which is to say not very well at all. I completely understand why Mr. Gomez snarls and barks at it so ferociously. Yes Gomey, you are correct, the fucking vaccuum must die. I want a Roomba, but I'm afraid it would keel over at the very sight of all the dog hair lying around. But if I had a Roomba the dog hair wouldn't accumulate so much in the first place ...
Well, there are several more things I would love to hate on right now, but I'm exhausted from lugging phone books to the trash and shoving that asswich vaccuum across the floor. I gotta get some sleep so I can go be hatin' on my job all day tomorrow ...

4 comments:

christa said...

several grocery stores have bag recycling bins just inside their doors. i noticed one at earth fare yesterday. kroger might have one, too... i can't remember for sure. just a thought.

also? we bought a new vacuum last year. as we were debating various makes and models, another customer walked up to us and said, "i bought THIS one last year and i LOVE it." we bought it, and we love it, too. i adore vacuuming now.

Lisa B. said...

Yeah, I know grocery stores have bag recycling, but 1) I can't remember to take the damn bags! and 2) Do they really recycle them? I bet they just throw them away but the bin makes their customers feel better!

And please tell me: What kind of vaccuum did you get?

Elizabeth said...

I have friends with a Husky mix who bought a used Roomba off of Ebay (the company still honors the warranty if you buy it off ebay) and they swear it picks up all the dog hair.

andrew said...

I don't think you should refer to Mr. Pants as "that heinous machine".